How to discuss your diagnosis with loved ones

Having a recent diagnosis can be hard on many levels. There can be lots of information to take in and decisions to make about your treatment. You may feel confused by what’s happening or fearful and uncertain about the future.

Telling someone about your diagnosis can help ease this anxiety and make it easier to work through your options. But broaching this conversation can often be one of the hardest steps.

Here, we look at how sharing your diagnosis with others can help, and some ways you can prepare for the conversation.

Why it can be helpful to talk about your diagnosis

One of the most effective ways to ease anxiety is to connect with people. If you feel worried or uncertain about your diagnosis, talking about it can help in several ways. First, saying your thoughts and feelings out loud can help you make sense of what you are feeling and why you feel that way. You might feel reassured that what you’re feeling is normal after you’ve shared your concerns with others.

Second, by telling people about your diagnosis you can get the emotional and practical support you need. This could be assistance with childcare, help with transportation and errands or someone to attend appointments with you. Sharing your diagnosis with work colleagues can help you to cope at work and ensure you have support on hand if you need it.

Sharing your diagnosis can also help you feel more in control. Talking through the information you have and any decisions you need to make with someone else can make things seem clearer and more manageable. Then you may feel you can begin to move forward and start making those important decisions.

Although telling people about your diagnosis can be helpful, building up to having that conversation is often difficult and can feel overwhelming. You might wonder: who should I tell and when, and how will they react? Here are our five tips for managing this and feeling in control.

Tip 1. Consider WHO you need to tell

We each have different relationships and people in our lives who are important to us, and you will be the best judge of who to tell about your diagnosis. If you find the idea of telling friends and family difficult initially, consider talking to someone else you trust, such as a religious leader or a trusted work colleague.

Alternatively, you may wish to speak to someone you don’t know at all. If this is the case, you could talk to others going through similar experiences through an online support group, or you could share your concerns confidentially with professionals trained to support you, such as a counsellor or a helpline.

Tip 2: Consider WHEN you want to tell people

You might not want to talk about your diagnosis yet and that is perfectly normal. There is no need to tell anyone about your diagnosis until you feel ready to. How much you tell people and when you tell them is likely to depend on what their role is in your life, and how much they need to know. For example, perhaps you are waiting for the results of additional tests or want more information about treatment options or prognosis before you share your news with friends or family. Outside your immediate friends and family group, you could decide to wait until the signs of your illness, or any treatment, become apparent or impact on your everyday life.

It can be emotional and tiring explaining to people about a diagnosis, especially if you’re repeating the same information and answering similar questions. Remember that not everyone needs to know at the same time. You might choose to tell some people proactively, but only tell others if they ask. It’s perfectly acceptable to let people know you appreciate their support but you’re just not ready to talk about it yet, and you can let them know when you feel ready to talk.

Tip 3: Prepare for the conversation

Once you’ve decided you are ready to talk about your diagnosis, you might be worrying about how to tackle the conversation. Here are some steps you can take to prepare.

First, make a list of everyone you want to tell and decide how you would prefer to tell them. Consider:

• Do I want to tell them in person?
• Would I prefer to tell some people in a group – either in person, or by email?
• Could a friend or relative help me share the news with wider family or our circle of friends?
• How could a work colleague or manager help me break the news?
• What setting will make us feel most at ease?

Think about how much you want to tell people about your diagnosis. Then, consider what questions they could have and whether you will want to answer them yet. For example, if someone asks about your prognosis, decide if you want to share this information and what you will say to them if you don’t.

One of the hardest things about imparting difficult news to loved ones is the fear of upsetting them. It can help to think in advance about the different reactions you could get and how you will deal with them. How people react will depend on how they tend to cope with anxiety or uncertainty and how comfortable they are with showing emotion or talking about difficult topics. People often worry about ‘saying the wrong thing’ and so they may not say very much at all. It can help to acknowledge upfront that what you’re about to say is difficult and that you and they might become upset. You could reassure them or let them know how best to support you. For example, by letting them know it’s fine for them to show their emotion, or to simply sit in silence with you, or hold your hand.

Sometimes, you will find that people are keen to share positive stories or anecdotes of other people in a similar situation. This might be helpful, or you may not be ready to hear about this just yet. Again, it can help to think in advance about what you do and don’t want to hear, and to let people know this upfront.

Tip4: How to move the conversation forward

Once you’ve talked about your diagnosis, it can seem difficult to move the conversation back to normal life. People sometimes feel they shouldn’t return to talking about everyday topics when they have heard difficult news like this. But talking about the small stuff is important as it reassures you that normal life is still carrying on. If you are worried about not being able to move away from the subject, then you could think in advance about some questions or topics you will ask your friend or family member to steer the conversation away from your diagnosis. It could be as simple as discussing plans for the weekend or what you’re having for dinner.

Tip 5: Ask for support

After you have talked about your diagnosis, don’t forget to ask for support from your friends, family and colleagues. You should also get ready to accept that support, which isn’t easy for some people. You may not yet know what support you will need, but you could make a note of what people have offered to help with, in case you need it in the future.

Another source of support is connecting with others who have been, or are going through, a similar experience through the support of a patient advocacy group. Find out more in our article A world of support: Patient advocacy groups, supporting you through your care journey.